my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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