My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
