also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
