I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
