I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
