Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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