I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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