I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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