my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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