those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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