I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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