omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You can't motorboat a personality
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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