So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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