I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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