I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize