I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Im part way to drunk.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
