Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
