you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
