Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
