We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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