If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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