She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
