who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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