omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
