I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
