My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
