Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
