There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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