I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
