I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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