EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize