Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
