I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
