I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
