My liver just broke up with me...
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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