I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
