I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize