New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
