I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
