watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize