I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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