god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
