Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
there's paper in my vomit.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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