i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
All the doctor said was why
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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