Tell her she can't have a vagina
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize