I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
