Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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