i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's always time for handjobs
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
