it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize