She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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