dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
