I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
