Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
