yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
