girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
