I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
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