My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
