On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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