My liver just broke up with me...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
