we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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