I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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