Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
