At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
