It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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