Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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