i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
