Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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