I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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