All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
