a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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