I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
