erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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