so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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